I have thought often over the past 6 month on wether to add to Dan’s blog again or not. It was his blog after all and not mine. I wasn’t sure who would want to hear about Audrey and I and how we are coping. Or better yet, trying to.
Today marks 6 months since his passing and this past month in particular has been brutal. Terrible really. Every day has certainly been difficult. Every hour even. But June….UGH
This is of course half way through the year “OF FIRSTS” as they call it
First trip, lost tooth, anniversary, mothers day, easter, JUNE: recitals, fathers day, last day of school, 6th bday party……..all without him here.
But what has been the hardest to date was Father’s day. I chose this day to bury him. It may have not been the best choice but I didn’t see how it could be any worse of a day than it was already going to be. Audrey and I got up, made waffles as we would have if he was here and spent the day watching his favorite cooking shows. We had planned to hit some golf balls but the weather stopped that. Just after 1pm my parents showed up to take us to the cemetery. This is when it hit me. I had to go downstairs and remove the urn from where I was keeping it and walk it out the door. I nearly changed my mind. In a way I guess I felt like I wouldn’t be near him anymore. That he wouldn’t be here to watch over us. It may sound strange to you but it is far from it. I have walked past his ashes every day. I have cried touching them and even cursed at them the odd time. Like he was here. And the thought of not being able to do that caused great anxiety. I gave myself a talking to as you do in these situations……”He is always with me, in my heart, in my daughter’s eyes, walking beside me every day, it’s OK”
Dan always said that these sort of things are for the living not the dead. He didn’t have any specific request other than he wanted a bench somewhere peaceful for friends and family to sit and foremost he wanted Audrey to have a place to visit her daddy. A safe place to visit and talk. It was so very important to him that above anything she have that place and that it would always be there.
In honoring that wish I have had him rested at Queen’s Park Cemetery. Directly across the street from where he was cremated and where I saw him last. And as much as I just said it was for Audrey, I know he wouldn’t mind at all if he had other visitors. So please, go see him. (Plot 75-U6-R) I picked plot 75 in honor of his bday July 5th. It also faces West and I for one know that he would more likely see a sunset than be up for a sunrise.
There is so much more I could say and get into but as friends and family know I keep a lot close to my chest. Dan always said I was horrible at communicating my emotions. That I am stubborn and strong. These past few years has weakened that strength in some ways and strengthened it in others. But that is a whole other Blog Post.
For now I will simply leave you with a few photos of the last few months. And a “selfportrait” of Dan that I found on his phone. (he hated the word selfie!) This photo makes me smile.
Renee xoxo
Dan's Life 
Renee,
You are such a remarkable woman. Thank you for sharing such hard times. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, but know we all love you and support you and Audrey!
Much Love,
Vanessa
Life is not easy especially during these difficult times. You have shown great strength before and during these past 6 months. Keep it up for Audrey and for Dan. Your family and friends are very proud of you. Hugs!
My dearest Renee, we watch you almost every day deal with that great emptiness in your life. We do know where Audrey gets her stubbornness from and we love you even more for it. Dan is in Mom and I’s heart and minds every single day. Darn I wish he would have shown you how to start that lawnmower. Our lives also have an emptiness. Strange as it may seem I do things at times and hear him say “Roland” to which I respond with “Daniel!” We love you both so much. I used to write poetry…yes Daniel I did – a line I could never finish. I love you to the level of every days most quite need” pretty well sums up our love for you and Audrey. Know “that the Maiden of Darkness shines down on Dans resting place every night”
Oh my, you are making me cry…….
Funny thing is, this ends up on my social settings and I don’t know how to change it, I’m so horrible at managing my gmail, that I just this morning thought I would try and attempt to archive and delete the 1600+ messages unread……I never make it into social settings but here I am……reading this. I wasn’t meant to miss it.
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles, it’s heart breaking and heartwarming, the love you had together seeps through ‘the pages’…..
I love the inscription, ’embrace life’…
And thank you too for the photos,
Take care and be well,
With all my love,
Melanie
Thanks Renee. I think I’ll go out and embrace life a little today.
Ryan.
We all miss him Ren and watching going through all the “firsts” has been very difficult. We cry along with you.
This is a beautiful post, Renee. I’m sure Dan thinks it’s the best one yet because you took a hard step and you shared what you are going through which is really important. Thanks for sharing your beautiful words and fantastic photos. I would love to know someday what the squiggly line is at the bottom of his tomb stone – looks like the lines on a heart monitor but with some words in there?!? Anyway, we send you guys loving vibes always. xoxo
Audrey had written Daddy and they engraved it on the stone
Thank you renee….I will be sure to visit him. It’s nice to be back in alberta but my alberta always had Dan in it, not the same. I will go have a chat with him…I wish you two all the best….please keep blogging. It might sound selfish, because I know it must be hard, but it sure as shit helps me….take care….big hugs. Dave
Over the past weeks I’ve been struggling to find words that could possibly bring some sort of comfort to you. I’ve concluded, there really aren’t any I’m sure. All I can say is, of course it’s more than appropriate that you write on ‘Dan’s Life’ blog about you and Audrey because you and Audrey were (and are) ‘Dan’s Life’. I know this because, in a business meeting, I’d ask him how you and Audrey were, and his whole ‘business’ face relaxed and family stories would flow. I truly hope you continue to carry on writing. I cannot begin to imagine, the strength you have had to put forward the past year and the strength you will continue to go forth with. Just remember, when you need or want to have a shoulder to lean on, my shoulders are here for you. More than you could possibly imagine, I think of you, Audrey and Dan and I’m positive I’m not alone in those thoughts.