Writing this blog is tougher than I thought.
My mood is so up and down. When its down, I don’t feel like doing anything and when I feel mentally strong, I want to get as far as I can from cancer. Hence why my blog suffered these past few weeks.

So, now where do I begin…

Its been almost two months since I updated my health status. There isn’t too much change. I physically feel better than I did say 3 months ago. My liver enzymes are all in normal range now and my bloodwork is pristine. My CEA (carcinoembryonic antigen) did go up slightly since January. 2.3 in Jan. to 4.6 two weeks ago to 4.2 yesterday. As I mentioned in previous blogs this can be used as a tumour marker. However, it is not a definitive test. For me, my oncologist says it is not something we can use. Normal range is 0-5 and even with my cancer it is still showing normal range. Does the slight elevation mean the cancer is growing? Could be, but it also could just be nothing. Many people with less cancer than me have a CEA level in the hundreds.

My new chemo isn’t as hard on me as the last one, although it is every 2 weeks. So, just when I start feeling better, I go in again. When I went every three weeks it was almost like I forgot how shitty it was. This two week stuff just seems to roll over on itself and the past two months have gone by quickly. If anyone can stop time, please let me know.

I start my 4th round tomorrow and then I have another scan Monday the 24th. This chemo actually makes me sick during infusion and then I am pretty bad the rest of the day and into day 2. After day 3 I can start moving around more. Nausea comes in waves so it allows me to be a little more mobile during days 3-6. The diarrhoea can be severe on this drug, but I can control it with Imodium.

The downside – I have started getting some newer, more prominent pain around my liver. The liver is pushing on some nerves on my lower front and back rib cage. I have never had a problem sleeping, but this has started to affect that. Sleeping on my right side has been out for while, but now sleeping on my left side and back is causing some painful pressure points. This can wake me and in the morning I am quite sore. This is the crappiest part, as the pain really drives my mood. I use heating pads all the time and unfortunately I have started to take some morphine (I don’t like taking meds…). Anyway, outside the pain and some numbness/tingling in my hands, I feel pretty good which just makes me angry at all this bullshit.

As I said, my mood is up and down. A lot of down and the up is more of a neutral feeling. I see my psychologist at Tom Baker frequently and I enjoy talking with her. I did see a psychiatrist last week about possibly taking medication. After his clinical assessment he felt I could benefit from an anti-depressant/anxiety pill. The drug he is offering is called Cymbalta and it also has some pain killer effects too. I don’t really want to take them as it is just another “thing” I have to do as a result of my disease. But while I am still physically feeling well, perhaps this could help the mental side. If it can bring back some joy and help keep me out of the dark places then I guess bring it on.

Anyway, as I stated my 4th round of this chemo is Wednesday (tomorrow) and then a scan Monday. With the scan comes 4 scenarios – Disease regression, disease stabilization, disease progression but still limited to liver/lymph nodes and then disease progression with new lesions in other areas.
So, once again really hoping for scenario 1. I would also be elated with scenario 2 as well.
Depending on what the results show, will dictate which treatment direction we go. I still have some options which is great, but I do need to respond to them to help extend my time.

Just before round 3, I went through all the canadian clinical trials online and brought in all the ones I thought would pertain to me.
There are a couple of trials in Calgary that I could qualify for but they are still systemic (whole body) chemotherapy. I am really pushing to get a more localized aggressive treatment on the liver. But with the lymph node involvement and multiple liver lesions I tend to get the door shut on me. There are a couple of trials in Toronto for these treatments and doctors there have heard my case and are willing to look at my scans. So, we are encouraged by this.
I actually found out that my Oncologist did some training out of the Princess Margaret in Toronto. He was in the clinical trial department so he knows a lot of the head researchers.

Renee and I manage, but its tough. My disease is a full time job and has really sapped our joy. We’ve lost a lot of our drive and motivation. Meal times and life’s routine seem like such a chore. I also forget how hard it must be for Renee to see me at certain times. She just wants to take it away for me. I do try and be strong because this cancer is not just my burden and my mood doesn’t just affect me. Its hard on everyone else – especially those at home.

I do have anxiety with chemo now and I am not looking forward to tomorrow. However, if I knew chemo was working, this would change my attitude towards it. Yes, I am little bummed today, but I am not down. I try and keep the positive alive, but the pessimist in me loves to come to the party. I am rarely able to stop thinking about my situation and if I do its brief. And if I have forgotten, reality quickly comes crashing back and its like I have cancer all over again. Its weird and I miss a normal life.

As we all hope for a good scan, I will update results next week.
We are going to leave town right after the scan though. News is news no matter where you are and the distraction will hopefully be good for everyone.

Sending my thoughts to all of you first ;),
Dan