I have thought often over the past 6 month on wether to add to Dan’s blog again or not. It was his blog after all and not mine. I wasn’t sure who would want to hear about Audrey and I and how we are coping. Or better yet, trying to.
Today marks 6 months since his passing and this past month in particular has been brutal. Terrible really. Every day has certainly been difficult. Every hour even. But June….UGH
This is of course half way through the year “OF FIRSTS” as they call it
First trip, lost tooth, anniversary, mothers day, easter, JUNE: recitals, fathers day, last day of school, 6th bday party……..all without him here.
But what has been the hardest to date was Father’s day. I chose this day to bury him. It may have not been the best choice but I didn’t see how it could be any worse of a day than it was already going to be. Audrey and I got up, made waffles as we would have if he was here and spent the day watching his favorite cooking shows. We had planned to hit some golf balls but the weather stopped that. Just after 1pm my parents showed up to take us to the cemetery. This is when it hit me. I had to go downstairs and remove the urn from where I was keeping it and walk it out the door. I nearly changed my mind. In a way I guess I felt like I wouldn’t be near him anymore. That he wouldn’t be here to watch over us. It may sound strange to you but it is far from it. I have walked past his ashes every day. I have cried touching them and even cursed at them the odd time. Like he was here. And the thought of not being able to do that caused great anxiety. I gave myself a talking to as you do in these situations……”He is always with me, in my heart, in my daughter’s eyes, walking beside me every day, it’s OK”
Dan always said that these sort of things are for the living not the dead. He didn’t have any specific request other than he wanted a bench somewhere peaceful for friends and family to sit and foremost he wanted Audrey to have a place to visit her daddy. A safe place to visit and talk. It was so very important to him that above anything she have that place and that it would always be there.
In honoring that wish I have had him rested at Queen’s Park Cemetery. Directly across the street from where he was cremated and where I saw him last. And as much as I just said it was for Audrey, I know he wouldn’t mind at all if he had other visitors. So please, go see him. (Plot 75-U6-R) I picked plot 75 in honor of his bday July 5th. It also faces West and I for one know that he would more likely see a sunset than be up for a sunrise.
There is so much more I could say and get into but as friends and family know I keep a lot close to my chest. Dan always said I was horrible at communicating my emotions. That I am stubborn and strong. These past few years has weakened that strength in some ways and strengthened it in others. But that is a whole other Blog Post.
For now I will simply leave you with a few photos of the last few months. And a “selfportrait” of Dan that I found on his phone. (he hated the word selfie!) This photo makes me smile.
Daniel Harly Wood, beloved husband of Renée Pittet-Wood, devoted father of Audrey and loving son to Steve and Sharon Wood passed away on December 26, 2014 at the age of 40 years. He is lovingly remembered by his sister Carly, his brother in law Neil, niece Taylor, nephew Lane, honorary brother Jason Mathis, Reneé’s parents Rollie and Donna, brother in laws Richard, Jamie and Sebastien, sister in laws Nadine, Michelle and Cora, nephew Zachery as well as all who loved him.
Dan bravely battled cancer with strength,dignity and a determination that inspired us all. He lived life fully until the end and passed away peacefully, surrounded by the love of his family and friends.
He simply loved being with people and was as Renée called him “Fun Bobby”. Always quick to get in on a card game, talk sports with anyone who would listen and sing and dance uninhibited with Audrey around the house.
In order to be true to who he was a Celebration of Life will be held at 2:00 pm on Friday January 2nd 2015 at the Jack Singer Concert Hall in Calgary, Alberta. This location was chosen in order to accommodate anyone and everyone that new him and his family. So please join us, wear your sport team pride and be ready to sing, laugh, cry and celebrate his life with all who new and loved him.
As much as Renée loves flowers, Dan did not. He didn’t see the logic in spending the money when they wouldn’t last. So in lieu of flowers, friends who wish to do so may make a donation for trust and support for Audrey through the following link
Today I lost my husband, best friend and soul mate. He battled this horrible disease with strength and dignity and passed away this evening surrounded by friends and family.
Thank you all again for your support, love and prayers. He touched so many lives as a loving son, brother, husband, father, friend and even simple acquaintance.
Funeral arrangements are being made and will be posted once finalized.
It has been some time since Dan has updated this blog and I apologize…. he asked me weeks ago to do it but I have held on to hope that he would be able to himself.
I have written and rewritten this blog a few times but decided to start fresh tonight. So much has happened since his last post and I originally started writing every detail but as the days go by I don’t have it in me to relive it all.
In the middle of November Dan went into the Hospital for jaundice. Turns out his bilirubin count was 5 times what it should be and we discovered that his disease had progressed. The tumors are now pushing and blocking the ducts in his liver; not allowing for the bile to flow properly.
While in hospital they inserted a biliary Drain to help open up the ducts and start the flow again. They were only able to stent the right side of the liver as the left was to trick to get to. He spent 2 weeks in the hospital and had this procedure done 3 times before I was able to take him home on Nov 29th.
It has been over 3 weeks now at home and things have not gotten better. The external drain has stopped draining but they do say the internal one is working. Unfortunately not enough. He has struggled with nausea, vomiting, pain and recently confusion. He has trouble eating and has lost quite a bit of weight. He is on a handful of drugs to help with everything and Home Care comes daily to check on him and change his Biliary dressing.
Yesterday the respiratory nurse came out to assess his breathing as it has been slow. He is now on oxygen and that seems to have helped some.
I am sorry that I don’t have better news to write about. I spend most days tracking and managing everything he does and takes. I write it all down. Things change every day and one day seems to just move into the next. We are very fortunate to have the support of both our families; even though I have trouble letting go of the reins. It is pretty much the only way I know how to stay afloat. We love you Pittet/Woods and I am forever grateful for the food, babysitting and all that you do.
I do have to send a special thank you to my sister Nadine, brother in law Sebastian as well as our good friend Jammer for stepping into parental roles both when Dan was in the hospital, that I barely left and when I just can’t due to taking care of Dan. It has been a big help and has allowed Audrey to have some sort of routine. She is now off for the holidays and I already feel like I have neglected her a bit to much.
Christmas is obviously a challenge. I have had a hard time getting into the spirit of things. Our tree stood undecorated for at least a week and it took Audrey convincing Dan to come downstairs for a bit to get it done. She told him that she would hold his hand and help him down the stairs. It was short lived but just what I needed at the time.
We will be hosting both sides of the family for Dinner and I took a step back and delegated everything but the Turkey. I am not in the festive spirit and am probably not alone in saying I could skip it all together but making it as normal and special for Audrey is what I am trying to focus on. She is only 5 and it breaks my heart daily when I see her struggle to understand. Which is probably why I have overcompensated in the gift department.
As always we thank you all for your love, support, food drops and prayers. I know we are in your thoughts but know that you are in ours as well. I hope the Holiday season brings health and happiness to you all. I had planned to post a few pictures but will have to get to that after Christmas.
Finally, a day where I have a little motivation and some positive spirit. This makes for a good day to update my blog. I didn’t want to update with a darkness in my writing, although that has been the feeling lately.
And sorry, its another long one.
I had to read my last post to see where I left things off…
Because of the CT scan results, I did proceed with chemotherapy on September 24th. I did 3 sessions of hyperthermia with that round as well. The hyperthermia is pretty straightforward as a patient. Lie on a water bed with a large water bath probe positioned on your abdomen. Current runs through your body into the water bed for about an hour. It apparently heats the tumour up to about 46 degrees. The idea is to enhance the uptake of the chemo drugs and create apoptosis (cell death) in the cancer cell. They don’t like heat.
The following week, after that Sept 24th round, I picked up a chest cold followed by a sore throat that lasted a few weeks. Lucky me.
And that same week I was feeling sick I did go for my PET scan (Oct.3rd). Well, as we always hope for good news, it was not to be. PET scan not only confirmed the CT scan, it also discovered a new lesion and that all original lesions are active again. Insert F word here…
Now what?
We had been bouncing back and forth about which direction to go with chemo. Keep going with current cocktail or switch to new. The idea of staying on original chemo was that I was doing it with hyperthermia which could make it more effective. Also, it still may have been slowing the cancer down to some degree. This would then prevent having to switch to my last line of defense. It had been 2 weeks since my last chemo, but ultimately decided to take another week off and switch to this last drug called Panitumumab. But I waffled, back and forth all that week and what was the right decision. I then decided to stay on current chemo for another 4 rounds, re-scan and re-assess. I also decided to take another week off to really let my body heal and get ready for 4 solid rounds with hyperthermia. I didn’t want to have to delay chemo because of my enzymes again. That, anyway, was my plan.
After discussing this plan with my Oncologist (which he actually brought up first), it was decided we had to switch to Panitumumab. My liver enzymes were too high for traditional chemo. With Panitumumab, it is not called a chemotherapy but a targeted agent and can be administered regardless of liver function. It is called an EGFR inhibitor (Epidermal Growth Factor Receptor). It is expressed in many normal epithelial tissues (Skin/Hair) and also in 60-80% of colorectal cancers. Why? No idea. This drug inhibits the EFGR pathway thus stopping the cancer from spreading and induces apoptosis (cell death).
I started this drug yesterday (Oct.22). As with any of these drugs, there are side effects. The AWESOME side of this drug – no nausea, no major fatigue. In fact, I had this yesterday and this is the best I have felt it a while – go figure. So being on this gives my insides a much needed break. I actually slept right through the night for the first time in weeks (Usually up due to pain or nausea). But the downside is the heavy rash it comes with. As I mentioned it is an “Epidermal” Growth factor inhibitor so it greatly affects the skin. It usually starts about 5/6 days after infusion and lasts the entire time while you are on the drug. Everyone reacts differently and from what I understand it creates acne from the head all through the upper torso. So I may look a little different if and when you see me…
I no longer have to take anti-nausea pills. All I am on now is an antibiotic called doxycycline which is for acne sufferers and a hydrocortisone cream. Not sure if anyone has ever been on doxycycline but so far it has sucked. I puked 45min after taking it the first time yesterday. We called the pharmacy and they suggested opening the capsule and putting the powder in apple sauce. I tried it last night and again this morning. This trick seemed to work – slight nausea but no puking.
That is the process for the latest in “what’s next”.
As far as my health, it has not been well. Even though it has been 4 weeks since my last chemo, I never seem to re-bound. The pain has been ever present and random days would just feel like I had chemo that day. I could not seem to get relief or any comfort. This, coupled with all the negative scan reports really put my head into a spin. But the worse news may have come this past Tuesday just before yesterday’s chemo. I had my blood done (as I have to do before every chemo round) and because of my high enzymes from the last blood work I was fully expecting them to come down. They did not, in fact they went up. The enzymes are a measure of my liver function. And being that I only had one round of chemo in the past 8 weeks, this was very alarming. In the past, my enzymes have crept up, but always come down with an extra week off chemo. Here are a few numbers – ALT (normal 1-60) Currently – 570. Alk Phos (normal 30-130) Currently – 980. Then we get into my Bilirubin. (Likely not accurate) -This is what goes through the liver and into your colon, urine and bile. It is what makes your poop brown, bile and urine yellow as well as bruises. Yep I said POOP!
My numbers have always fluctuated but always within normal (0-24 is normal). It has been 6, 3, 6, 8. The last few blood tests have been around 6-8. But the latest jumped to 15. Still normal, but why the sudden jump? And being that I am getting further and further from “liver destroying chemo:, you would think my liver numbers would have gone down. So what does this mean? Likely it is my disease starting to take out my liver. My counts can go higher, but eventually the liver will no longer be able to filter my blood.
So, yes I have progressive disease, but the fact that my liver appears to be functioning poorly has made things more “real”. There may be other factors at work (I really hope so!) that is causing this, but it is a wait and see. This new drug may shrink the tumours and allow the liver to heal a little. It may also be gallstones or just a revolt from the 20 rounds of toxicity I have had this past year.
In any case, it has us pretty frightened and the tears are not uncommon. It just seems closer now. Its kind of like I have been swirling down a funnel this past year and half.
But I will leave this write up with something my daughter said to me a few days ago….
She was in bed and I was lying with her feeling pretty sad and in a bad head space. She was complaining about saliva in her mouth…I don’t know, they’re kids. But I said I would get the flashlight and have a look. Had a quick look with the flashlight – surprisingly there was nothing there. 🙂
But as I laid back down I was groaning a bit from the pain. She asked me what was wrong and I just told her I was sore. Without missing a beat and in an almost adult voice she responds with “Well, just stop thinking about it”.
It was such a profound statement coming from my 5 year old. At that moment, she knew more than me. It was something I remember my dad saying to me as a kid, which is where she likely picked it up from. Thanks Papa!
Those words came across so powerful to me at that moment. “Just stop thinking about it”. It felt like it wasn’t just my daughter in that voice but everyone that has supported me. It made me smile and cry at the same time and was the best thing I could hear. I needed that more than anyone knew. Love you Audrey!
Anyway, let’s hope for some great success with Panitumumab and see these enzymes and lesions go down. Oh, forgot to mention that studies have shown that the greater the rash the more successful Panitumumab is. Has anyone ever wished for explosive acne before??
He called the shit poop!
Dan
A random from a few years ago. My sister, niece, nephew and daughterExtended family during my fundraiser last November.Older pic of me and the wife. Winter 2013Picture of Audrey and me in Sept 2013
Dan's Life 