They say that writing helps. Who THEY are I am not sure. Nor do I know if they really have any clue or if putting my thoughts out to you all will do anything. But here goes.

When Dan passed I started a Journal. Two actually; one for Audrey and one for myself. Hers contains memories that she shares with me of him and entries of things she has done. Milestones she has hit and comments that have made me laugh. Really a journal of watching her grow up. Which seems to be faster and faster as the days go by. She turned 9 this June. I try to keep this journal light hearted and happy. It is something that will one day be hers to keep and read. I really do need to make the effort to keep writing in it. The days go by so fast. She keeps me going and on my toes constantly. I could fill pages daily on her life, her adventures, her new BFF and that ever growing attitude, confidence and independence.  How very proud Dan would be….. and most certainly frustrated at times.

My Journal on the other hand is very different. It contains Anger, Anxiety and Sadness. I wrote in it every day in the beginning. That went from days to months and now only a handful of times this year. Don’t get me wrong, my valleys can be deep when I hit them, but are shortening each time.  I have come to realize that I’ve stopped writing in this Journal because I don’t want to put down on paper where I am today, what I have done without him and that the deep sadness is not a daily heavy burden anymore. The sorrow is there constantly and has forever changed me. It will NEVER go away. But I seem to be able to find pockets of Joy.  And oddly enough what comes with that is Guilt. Which holds me back from writing it. Like if I don’t put it to paper it never happened.  The guilt is about moving forward, new friendships, adventures, changes to the house, new dreams and goals, even growing out my hair. He preferred it short.

But when I do get hit hard I write. My hand hurts after those sessions. I hold the pen so tight. I write so fast that it is barely legible. My anger, fears and sadness can’t get out of me fast enough, and more than not they make zero sense when I read them back. I basically loose my shit for a good couple of pages then crash as if I had just climbed Everest in a day. Which for those of you who know me ….. NEVER gonna happen ……the thought of that is exhausting in itself.

Then there is this Blog. It is probably somewhat forgotten by most of you. But really should be read in its entirety by ALL of you. Dan had a way with words that I cannot match. Both in his writing and when he spoke. He had a knack for making you feel like you were the only one in the room, that nothing else mattered during your conversation. He truly listened when you spoke and cared.  Even through this Blog he somehow made us all feel a bit better about what was happening to him. I don’t mean that we were OK with him having Cancer. He just made it Ok to talk about it. He wasn’t scared to share his fears, his challenges, his ups and downs with anyone who wanted to follow along. I will cherish his written words always.

In the beginning I told myself that I would add to this Blog every boxing day. Let you all l know how Audrey and I were doing or post something from a loved one who might want to share.  Well, for those who still follow the Blog I clearly did not post last year. I actually didn’t want to. I hated the thought of putting out into the world yet again a reminder of the day Dan died. The build up to that day is worse than the actual day itself as the memories start slowly creeping in from November on. The beginning of the End as I call it. By the time we hit Boxing Day, I am spent (Everest again). So, last year I thought that I would try to write throughout the year instead. To not put focus on the day itself, but drop my feelings and thoughts in here now and again.

So here I am……. 7 months from boxing day.  3 years and 7 months in. Writing about writing for no other reason than I am having a bad stretch. A Valley Day.  A “what lies ahead?” kind of day.  A “pity party” kind of day. A WTF kind of day.  It seems that I am currently on a 4 month cycle for these days. Now being one of them but as always more manageable than the last. For those that follow me on instagram you will recall my last valley…. the night I thought it was a good idea to go to the cemetery late one evening and polish off the Flask of scotch that I keep there. I would say this may be a better way to deal with it his time round. That one came without warning and may have been my darkest Valley yet outside of the first year of fog.

The Valleys are days of restlessness, sleepless nights, stressful days, full of anger, anxiety and fear. They last 1 to 3 days on average and suck beyond belief. Looking to the peak and digging myself out seems impossible yet somehow I get there, every time.  A bit faster it seems as the days, months, years go by. But I am not fooled that they will ever go away. I draw on what Dan always said was my amazing strength mixed with a shit ton of stubbornness. Some say I do it with grace. This makes me smile but also laugh a little, they haven’t fully seen the extent of Valley days. No one has really. This is as close as you will likely be allowed to get. I hold things within and just get on with it. I don’t know that what he says is true. I think my strength is quite simply Fear. Fear of stopping. Fear of letting my feelings catch up with me. Fear of being pitied. Fear of being weak. and now Fear of what he himself would think if I didn’t pick myself up and do all I could for Audrey and I. Fear of disappointment.  So I guess I am writing today in an effort to work on that Fear, to let a bit of me show.  I made a statement in the New year to my amazing work family, whom I adore, that I would try to leave Fear back in 2017 that I would be open to what 2018 could offer and I don’t know that I have done as well as I hoped in the Fear department . The year is not over yet and of course I make no promises but I think writing this today may be a step in the right direction. Letting go of the Fear of what people think.

So if you popped on this today and were expecting me to share happy photos with you,  milestones we have hit, sadness we have overcome (one can’t fully) or to sugar coat what I am feeling.  I am sorry to disappoint. I really just want to yell FUCK CANCER as loud as I possibly can and take the next step up MY Everest so it is even less exhausting the next time.

R

“The way to Everest is not a Yellow Brick Road” – Jon Krakauer