December | 2015 | Dan's Life

One year ago today I lost my soul mate, my husband, my baby daddy, my best friend.

One year ago today I woke up in bed with him for the last time. I woke up scared he wasn’t breathing.

One year ago today I told him that the Hospice was here to transport him. OK he said. It was the last time he walked and spoke.

One year ago today I watched him being taken from our home. Down the hall, down the walk and into the vehicle. He would not return.

One year ago today I packed a bag for him for the last time. I grabbed everything, a toothbrush, change of clothes, blanket, family photos, his iPad for checking sports. Why? Hope I guess.

One year ago today I drove myself to the Hospice. I did it on my own. It was something I felt I needed to do. I got him settled, unpacked his things, signed the papers.

One year ago today the Nurse told me that he was “showing signs”. That it would be a matter of days now. But right then, I knew he wouldn’t make the night.

One year ago today I messaged family and close friends to come. If they wanted to see him it needed to be today.

One year ago today I had to tell my daughter that her Daddy was not going to be coming home. That he would be leaving us very soon. Heartbreak.

One year ago today I stayed vigilant at his bedside/laying with him; holding his hand, talking to him. I told him it was OK, as I watched him in what was certain pain.

One year ago today, along with his family and my mother; I held his hand and watched him take his last breath. (7:35pm) You cannot imagine.

One year ago today next to him, I held my daughter tight as she sobbed uncontrollably. Repeating over and over “I want Daddy”.

One year ago today that room was full of sorrow but love as family and friends gathered around him/us and cried.

One year ago today before they took him away, I removed his wedding band and kissed him for the last time. His hands were beyond cold, his body so still.

One year ago today he found peace from Cancer. No longer in pain.

One year ago today a huge piece of me was lost forever. XOX

I always have good intentions to Blog and keep you all updated but like everything else this past year; it is hard. The words below are not mine but from Dan’s wonderful mother. I asked her a while back if she or anyone in the family wanted to add to the Blog and today I am more than Happy to share her words and a photo of them with you all.

Thanks Sharon. XOX

It’s hard to believe that it has been one year. It feels just like yesterday that Dan was telling me to use Callebaut chocolate for my Peanut Dainties. I miss hearing his voice the most. The hole in my heart may never heal but I take comfort in knowing that Audrey is part of Dan. When Audrey says things I find myself thinking of Dan. We would have shared those moments and laughed together. Sometimes I have to hold back tears when I see Audrey because she doesn’t have her Dad only the memories. Family was very important to Dan which makes this road hard to travel without him.
For 40 years we had Dan for Christmas. From giving advice about my Christmas baking to the size of the tree, Only Dan could touch these subjects with his quick wit and humor.

Last Christmas it was difficult for all of us to watch him as he knew he was losing. There was so much more that he wanted to do and seeing Audrey grow up was one of them. There was also so much more that we all wanted to say but couldn’t.
Dan’s blog was a way for all of us to stay connected with him through his love of life whether he was traveling with family or friends or his journey after his diagnosis.
I take great comfort in reading over his blog this past year which Carly put into a book for me. It was his last greatest gift to us all.