I have thought often over the past 6 month on wether to add to Dan’s blog again or not. It was his blog after all and not mine. I wasn’t sure who would want to hear about Audrey and I and how we are coping. Or better yet, trying to.

Today marks 6 months since his passing and this past month in particular has been brutal. Terrible really. Every day has certainly been difficult. Every hour even. But June….UGH

This is of course half way through the year “OF FIRSTS” as they call it

First trip, lost tooth, anniversary, mothers day, easter, JUNE: recitals, fathers day, last day of school, 6th bday party……..all without him here.

But what has been the hardest to date was Father’s day. I chose this day to bury him. It may have not been the best choice but I didn’t see how it could be any worse of a day than it was already going to be.  Audrey and I got up, made waffles as we would have if he was here and spent the day watching his favorite cooking shows. We had planned to hit some golf balls but the weather stopped that. Just after 1pm my parents showed up to take us to the cemetery. This is when it hit me. I had to go downstairs and remove the urn from where I was keeping it and walk it out the door. I nearly changed my mind. In a way I guess I felt like I wouldn’t be near him anymore. That he wouldn’t be here to watch over us. It may sound strange to you but it is far from it. I have walked past his ashes every day. I have cried touching them and even cursed at them the odd time. Like he was here. And the thought of not being able to do that caused great anxiety. I gave myself a talking to as you do in these situations……”He is always with me, in my heart, in my daughter’s eyes, walking beside me every day, it’s OK”

Dan always said that these sort of things are for the living not the dead. He didn’t have any specific request other than he wanted a bench somewhere peaceful for friends and family to sit and foremost he wanted Audrey to have a place to visit her daddy. A safe place to visit and talk. It was so very important to him that above anything she have that place and that it would always be there.

In honoring that wish I have had him rested at Queen’s Park Cemetery. Directly across the street from where he was cremated and where I saw him last. And as much as I just said it was for Audrey, I know he wouldn’t mind at all if he had other visitors. So please, go see him. (Plot 75-U6-R) I picked plot 75 in honor of his bday July 5th. It also faces West and I for one know that he would more likely see a sunset than be up for a  sunrise.

There is so much more I could say and get into but as friends and family know I keep a lot close to my chest. Dan always said I was horrible at communicating my emotions. That I am stubborn and strong. These past few years has weakened that strength in some ways and strengthened it in others. But that is a whole other Blog Post.

For now I will simply leave you with a few photos of the last few months. And a “selfportrait” of Dan that I found on his phone. (he hated the word selfie!) This photo makes me smile.

Renee xoxo