June | 2014 | Dan's Life

2014 is a big year for me as far as milestones.

My parents both hit 65 in May and June and officially became senior citizens. Look out roads! I am sure they will give me a hard time for bringing this part up.

I turn 40 in July which seems very strange. It is true about how time speeds up the older you get. What happened to my 20’s? And my 30’s? – I don’t think they existed! But a big Happy Birthday to all my High School Mates – you’re 40 too!

Another milestone is from my sister, who has been a mother and wife for over 11 years. She has also been attending U of C full time these past years. And I am proud to say she has graduated with her Master’s of Teaching (Major in Mathematics). So congrats CBE, you just got all star on your roster.

And finally, my little rumplebum turned 5. This is a big number for me personally. I am sure parents can relate that this is sort of the graduation from the preschool toddler phase into the “school years” phase. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I am not sure if I already mentioned this, but Audrey is looking for a scientist that will keep her at 5 years old (she came up with this too). And her reasoning is so that she can always stay Daddy’s little girl. Yep, my eyes were not dry after that conversation. It feels a little like the end of innocence with her. That slowly her life becomes more about friends and independence and less about mom and dad. I am speaking in generality as I know this isn’t an instant switch, but I still think about it.

My other milestones are health related. It has been just over a year since my metastatic diagnosis (May 2013). I had my liver resection June 12 and then my first chemo was scheduled for July 22. But as a recap, that first chemo gave me cardio toxicity and two trips to the emergency room with vascular spams (heart attack like symptoms). That pain was unbelievable and it raditated from from jaw into my left chest. An experience I do not want again for sure. So, because of that, there was no nother chemo they could give me in my current situation. So observation was the treatment going forward. Well we know how that turned out last October (10 liver mets spread throughout – surgery no longer an option, cure no longer possible). That was a dark moment for sure. Since then, there are have been more dark moments, but I have also had some amazing life moments with friends and family.

So basically this July (2014) is a significant month for me. Back in October, I wondered whether I would see this July. I had a small goal to see my daughter turn 5 and to see 40 as well. And it wasn’t until March that I thought it was possible. The one thing I have discovered is that everyone’s cancer is different regardless of how it started. Everyone’s cancer also behaves differently and is also completely unpredictable. So a small win for me this month. I made it to July and I am still feeling pretty good!

As far as my health it has been up and down. I have had 3 rounds of chemo since the end of May and I am ready for a break longer than 2 weeks in between sessions (Thankfully, I have a 3 week break coming up). I just had a chemo round last Wednesday (June 25th) and today I am doing about as expected for the Monday following (which is a good thing). The “Monday after chemo” has kind of been the teater totter day for me on how I feel. And then usually the Tuesday I can get back to some routine activities. However, the chemo before this (June 11) took a terrible toll on me. I was sick the entire 2 weeks which made going in for this last round really hard. Feeling crappy for a week is one thing, but I always had the second week to feel normal again and hopefully forget how much I hate chemo. This time it did not happen. From nauseau, vomiting, diarhhea, bowel obstructions, cramping, abdominal pain, breathing difficulties and just a overall feeling of being beat down. It sucked and of course got me pretty worried about what was going on with my body. Thankfully, I am already feeling better today than I did the entire two weeks last time. I still have pain, some I can associate and some I cannot. I wish we were more designed to communicate with our bodies.

What do the doctor’s say? Not much to be honest but not in a bad way either. My last few meetings have been quick which I think of as a good thing. Because basically they aren’t worried about me right now. Makes sense right? At least I hope so… Although on my last blood test, one of my liver enzymes was high again, but not enough to delay chemo.

Anyway my whole torso is screaming for a break. I can feel it. My insides feel like Mike Tyson has gone about 30 rounds with Dennis Quaid and I think he bit me too. It is definitely telling me something. So knowing I would have an extra week off after this round of chemo is an exciting thought and hopefully it will give me some renewed strength. The other stress factor in all of this was my scan today. Certainly that holds some weight on my mental and physical well being. But it is nice going into a scan feeling relatively good. It keeps the spirits up that the scan will be positive. I will post results when I get them.

As usual I appreciate your comments and should you post some, please let me know how things are going for everyone else. You try not to become the disease, but I know I get self absorbed in my own journey.

Happy Summer!

Dan

Its been up and down for me since we have been home from holidays. I may have eluded to it in my last post, but I struggled the last four days of our trip. I didn’t want to write about that, because I wanted the trip to always feel great. And it did for sure.

Part of my struggles were with pain management and the pending end of a fun trip. The end of a trip for me is a very realistic finite end to things. Will I ever get to come back? Is this the last time I see these things with my family? Things like this go racing through my mind.
The biggest struggle, however, was the ailing health of my friend Dan Tutt. He had started a blog back in 2008 when he was first diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. It was his blog that inspired me to start my own, but it also gave me some guidance in dealing my own disease. Sadly, Dan passed away a couple of weeks ago after a 5-1/2 year battle. I have many thoughts that parallel my own life to his, which makes it very hard. Watching his health deteriorate over the past few months was something that I was living too. I kept imaging what he and his family must be going through. That the fear and dread that had haunted them for 5-1/2 years was now real and eminent. I know because we fear it too. But Dan’s blog was always so positive and it is worth reading. http://dantutt.blogspot.ca/ Sure, there were ups and downs but even in the weeks before his passing, he still managed to keep positive. I did feel relief for him when I learned of his passing – no longer did he have to wonder how much time he had left or wrestle with the daily fear of losing your family. Also the pain and discomfort that can just sap any sort of energy you might have. But I know none of that matters as I know he would have wished to have spent even just one more day with his family. He was 37 with a wife and three young children and I think about them daily. I just want to take their pain away.

I was fortunate to have met Dan for coffee and lunch a few times, but I would have liked to have had more time with him. Our last get together was in early April and I had picked him up and took him to Fergus & Bix for lunch. He had just had some spinal surgery to remove a tumour and a couple of vertebrae so he was learning to walk again. We had a great lunch and afterwards I was able to meet his incredible wife. It was only brief, but we talked about getting our families together and how excited Audrey would be to play with his kids. I really wanted that to happen, but sadly never did. Even though I did not know Dan that well, I miss him. I miss his blog posts and I miss cheering for him to beat his cancer. He will continue to give me strength as he has gone down a path none of us ever want to face. Rest in Peace Dan, you are the man.